How to speak Silicon Valley

Guardian has a humorous take on 50+ tech terms you should know.

bootstrap (v) – To start a company without venture capital. The only option for the vast majority of people who start companies, but a point of pride for the tiny subset of entrepreneurs who have access to venture capital and eschew it. “My dad is friends with Tim Draper but I wanted to do something on my own so I’m bootstrapping” – a tech bro.

Facebook (n) Your mom’s favorite social media platform.

pivot (v) – What tech startups do when they realize scaling is not a business model without a monetization strategy.”

Head on over to the article for the full list.

100 tricks to appear smart in brainstorming meetings

Sarah Cooper has a book (100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings (October 4, Andrews McMeel)) coming out with 100 tricks to appear smart in meetings.

Here are some examples from the book grabbed from her post at Techcrunch.

In a brainstorming meeting, the pressure of coming up with incredible new ideas can be debilitating. Luckily, the last thing most corporations want is new ideas.

During these largely pointless exercises, the point is to contribute using the mere gravitas of your presence, make other people’s ideas seem like your ideas, and look like a true leader by questioning the efficiency of the whole process.

Here are 9 tricks to make you look like you’re the creative force on your team.

  1. Leave to get water and ask if anyone needs anything

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Just before the meeting starts, get up and ask if anyone needs anything. People will think you’re so thoughtful, kind, and giving, plus you’ll be able to disappear for 10 minutes no questions asked. Even if no one wants anything, return with bottles of water, soda, and snacks.

Your colleagues will feel compelled to start drinking and snacking, and your foresight will make them think you can really predict the future.

 

  1. Grab a pad of sticky notes and start drawing

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While the topics are being introduced, grab one of those sticky note pads and start drawing meaningless flowcharts. Your colleagues will look over at you with worried interest, wondering how you’re coming up with so many complex ideas even before you know what this meeting is for.

 

  1. Make an analogy that’s so simple it sounds deep

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When everyone is trying to define the problem, make an analogy about baking a cake, or something just as completely unrelated. Your colleagues will nod their heads in agreement, even if they really don’t understand how what you’re saying is related to what they’re talking about. Talking completely over their heads will make you seem wildly transcendent and intimidatingly creative, even though the truth is you really just like cake.

 

  1. Ask if we’re asking the right questions

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Nothing makes you seem smarter than when you question the questions by asking if they’re the right questions. If someone responds by asking you what you think the right questions are, say you just asked one.

 

Sidebar: How to strategically shoot down small ideas

Wonder if an idea seems too small so your colleagues see you as a big thinker and a gamechanger.

Use one of these phrases:

  • But how is it disruptive?
  • Is this 10x?
  • Is this the future?
  • I thought that was dead.
  • What’s the big Win?
  • But isn’t Apple doing that?

 

  1. Use an idiom

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Using an idiom to question an idea is a subtle, smart way of questioning it. Here are some idioms to choose from:

  • Isn’t that gilding the lily?
  • Isn’t that putting lipstick on a pig?
  • Seems like we’re polishing a turd.

For the the full post, please go to her post on Techcrunch or go to her site at 100Tricks.com.

Investor to Founder Translations

Sean Percival has a funny Investor-to-Founder translation post up at his site.

Some highlights:

Investor to Founder

“We’re looking for mission-driven founders” = We expect you to work unhealthy amounts of hours on this


“When is your round closing?” = How long can I delay in giving you a commitment?


“Who else are you talking with?” = I’m going to email them right after this meeting to gossip about you


“Who else is investing in this round?” = Is anyone smarter than me sticking their neck out first?


“Oh, yes. I know them very well!” = We had lunch once

Founder to Investor

“Would be great to give you an update on the business!” = I’m looking for a bridge round


“We are doubling every month!” = Last month, we had 1 sale, and now we have 2!


“Things are going great!” = We are totally screwed

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For the whole post, please head over to his site.